Archive for December, 2006

If only…

Posted: December 16, 2006 in All, Blogroll, child abuse, children, Health, Life, rants

This post is dedicated to not posting.  I was running full steam ahead, posting new content, sometimes hourly, but at least usually daily.  Now I just don’t seem to have the energy to do much of anything.  I get out of bed in the morning, immediately counting down the hours until I can get back in bed again.  Everything in between waking up and going to sleep again is exhausting. Things that once brought me joy, now just cause more anxiety.  How does one get out of the rut of depression, exhaustion and anxiety?  Christmas is a little more than a week away, I’m only half way through my shopping.  For one thing, I’m extremely busy, but when I do have a moment, shopping is the last thing on my mind.  The thought of being around all of those happy people, the seasonal music, the crowds…the entire thing just depresses me more.  I’m just ready for the entire thing to be over.  On top of that, I’m having a feminine, medical problem…I need to go to the doctor.  Honestly, I’m scared, and now that I no longer have access to my past coping mechanisms, I just can’t deal with it.  I’m feeling very cynical, and remorseful of a childhood I feel I never had.  I thought I’d grown past that, but it continues to creep back in, stronger everyday.  I want desperately for the children in my life to have wonderful, fulfilling childhoods, and yet at times, I feel jealous that they get what I never had.  Sometimes I’m not very supportive of those that are going through hard times.  I very selfishly wonder how they would feel if they had to live what I lived through.  That they don’t know the meaning of true suffering.  I know it’s not fair to compare.  We all suffer, and it depends on our experiences  that determine what we can and can’t handle. I just want what I can’t have.  And you know how we humans are…if we can’t have it, we want it even more.

In conclusion, the point of this is, I feel lost, I feel scared, I am grieving…and I don’t know how to stop.  I just want to feel ok. I was there for while, but apparently it was temporary, how do I get it back again?  It would be nice to get out of bed, and actually look forward to the day ahead of me.  It would be nice to not wish my life away, or to even be happy that I have a life to begin with.

If only abusers knew, or even cared about the life long, miserable sentence they hand down to those they  have abused.  If only we could inflict the same pain and suffering upon them…If only I didn’t have to be me anymore.


 laugh therapy: if try this alone, by all means, pull the blinds, and lock the doors, or you might end up being carted off to the funny farm. It looks stupid, but I did find myself smiling while watching.

We all stuggle with happiness, some more so than others.  Sometimes it’s just really hard to know what will put us in that happy place.  I have spent an endless amount of time researching this subject over the past few weeks, trying to cure my own depressive mood.  It’s interesting, but almost all of the article’s say about the same thing.  I’ve heard that it can really lift your spirits if you take time everyday to just laugh. Just sit, and belly laugh, for no reason.  I put a video up top showing how to do that.   I’ve also read to not spend time alone.  To be surrounded by family and friends. The problem with that for me is, I don’t have enough time alone.  So, I’m assuming that you do the opposite if you don’t have enough alone time.    With the holiday’s quickly approaching, and the greed we often feel, the I gotta have it syndrome…I think this post is quite timely.

USA Today says…

The happiest people spend the least time alone. They pursue personal growth and intimacy; they judge themselves by their own yardsticks, never against what others do or have.

“Materialism is toxic for happiness,” says University of Illinois psychologist Ed Diener. Even rich materialists aren’t as happy as those who care less about getting and spending….   A person’s cheer level is about half genetic, scientists say.

Everyone has a “set point” for happiness, just as they do for weight, Seligman says. People can improve or hinder their well-being, but they aren’t likely to take long leaps in either direction from their set point. 

Life satisfaction occurs most often when people are engaged in absorbing activities that cause them to forget themselves, lose track of time and stop worrying. “Flow” is the term Claremont Graduate University psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced cheeks-sent-mee-hi) coined to describe this phenomenon.

Teenagers experience flow, too, and are the happiest if they consider many activities “both work and play,” Csikszentmihalyi says. Flow stretches someone but pleasurably so, not beyond his capacity. “People feel best when doing what they do best,” he says.

Everyone has “signature strengths,” Seligman adds, and the happiest use them. Doing so can lead to choices that astound others but yield lasting satisfaction.

“If you knew exactly what the future held, you still wouldn’t know how much you would like it when you got there,” Gilbert says. In pursuing happiness, he suggests “we should have more trust in our own resilience and less confidence in our predictions about how we’ll feel. We should be a bit more humble and a bit more brave.”

So, in summary, how I see it is, we need to spend less time trying to get the next thing, or dreading the next thing and just spend each moment  in the moment.  Enjoy the simple things.  Find a passion or two, and do it whether you’re any good or not.  Surround yourself with positive, fun, loving people.  And if none of these things work, then it’s ok if you need a professional.  But whatever you do, get in the game. Don’t just sit around wondering why you’re not happy, do something about it!

for lola

Posted: December 10, 2006 in All, Blogroll, Life, Love, MY POEMS

The day you died

the sun was shining-

your languid body…

out of focus-

just before,

you grasp my hand

with an open gaze,

your eyes know.

fear is closing-

Then you’re gone…

the room is cold

the air is gloomy

my sun is gone…

you can’t go yet,

I forgot to tell you something-


you never knew,

but despite my pain

because of you

I am…here