If only…

Posted: December 16, 2006 in All, Blogroll, child abuse, children, Health, Life, rants

This post is dedicated to not posting.  I was running full steam ahead, posting new content, sometimes hourly, but at least usually daily.  Now I just don’t seem to have the energy to do much of anything.  I get out of bed in the morning, immediately counting down the hours until I can get back in bed again.  Everything in between waking up and going to sleep again is exhausting. Things that once brought me joy, now just cause more anxiety.  How does one get out of the rut of depression, exhaustion and anxiety?  Christmas is a little more than a week away, I’m only half way through my shopping.  For one thing, I’m extremely busy, but when I do have a moment, shopping is the last thing on my mind.  The thought of being around all of those happy people, the seasonal music, the crowds…the entire thing just depresses me more.  I’m just ready for the entire thing to be over.  On top of that, I’m having a feminine, medical problem…I need to go to the doctor.  Honestly, I’m scared, and now that I no longer have access to my past coping mechanisms, I just can’t deal with it.  I’m feeling very cynical, and remorseful of a childhood I feel I never had.  I thought I’d grown past that, but it continues to creep back in, stronger everyday.  I want desperately for the children in my life to have wonderful, fulfilling childhoods, and yet at times, I feel jealous that they get what I never had.  Sometimes I’m not very supportive of those that are going through hard times.  I very selfishly wonder how they would feel if they had to live what I lived through.  That they don’t know the meaning of true suffering.  I know it’s not fair to compare.  We all suffer, and it depends on our experiences  that determine what we can and can’t handle. I just want what I can’t have.  And you know how we humans are…if we can’t have it, we want it even more.

In conclusion, the point of this is, I feel lost, I feel scared, I am grieving…and I don’t know how to stop.  I just want to feel ok. I was there for while, but apparently it was temporary, how do I get it back again?  It would be nice to get out of bed, and actually look forward to the day ahead of me.  It would be nice to not wish my life away, or to even be happy that I have a life to begin with.

If only abusers knew, or even cared about the life long, miserable sentence they hand down to those they  have abused.  If only we could inflict the same pain and suffering upon them…If only I didn’t have to be me anymore.

  1. David Raho says:

    Hang in there. I do know a little of how you feel from personal experience but there isn’t a lot anyone can say that really makes you feel better. Only love heals pain and some pain is just too great for others to bear for us.
    I have spent a fair part of my life working with both abusers and those who have been abused because of the career I chose not through choice. The bad news is that many abusers have themselves been abused and then been blamed or otherwise wrongly treated. This never excuses what they have subsequently done to others but it might explain their behaviour in some cases. All we can do is try to stop the cycle of abuse and to do our utmost to protect as many kids as we can.

  2. Manymeez says:

    Thankyou for your comment. I just don’t understand how someone who has been abused can turn around and do it to someone else. If they know how it feels, why would they want anyone else to feel that way?

    I agree that love heals pain…but sometimes, it’s just not enough.

  3. Annaleigh says:

    Hi Manymeez. I am sorry you are struggling. I am kind of in that emotional/mental state too right now. And I know it’s not fun.

    I’ll be thinking of you.


  4. Pat says:

    Hi, Manymeez:

    I know you posted this several days ago, and here it is Christmas Eve, but I have to respond to this post. I understand deeply the feelings you’ve expressed here. It’s a rare day when I can be free of the grief and envy that comes from not ever having had the chance to develop normally, to feel safe, protected, and loved. Every day from birth to adulthood was devastating and deeply lonely. Friends who had the chance to attach to a caring mother and live in even a partially stable home can’t fully comprehend the loss and the damage to body and soul.

    Eighteen months ago, I gave up completely and lapsed into an almost vegetative state. It’s been a long journey since then, but today I’m in a different place, able to face life one day at a time. As survivors of abuse, we carry a very heavy load. The best thing I can say is to be kind to yourself, especially when the world is not kind. I’m fortunate to have a therapist who helps me understand what that means and has taught me to respect, listen to, and protect the part of me who is tired of fighting.

    I hope you will be able to find some peace, maybe even a little pleasure, on Christmas Day. For me, even if I stay in bed all day, it will be sooooooo much better than any of my first 25 Christmas’s — so it will be a pretty good day. I’ll be thinking of you.

  5. katm says:

    It’s been a while since you posted this.

    But gosh does it ever hit home with me.

    You ask how to break out of that rut. Beats me.

    I hope you have found a bit of relief by now. I know all too well that horrible exhaustion.

    You will be in my thoughts.

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