Inside the adult mind of an abused child, part 2

Posted: August 13, 2008 in All, Blogroll, child abuse, children, Life, Love, Motivation & Inspiration, Thoughts, women

It’s been almost 2 years since I wrote part 1.  I never realized how many of us there are until I wrote that post. I have received so many beautiful and touching emails over the last few years from survivors and those that love them. Many of you have brought me to tears and have shown me the strength we all have inside of us.

Some things have come up since I wrote part 1 and I’d like to share them with you. At the time I wrote that back in October of 2006, a big part of me really believed that my fear and my trust issues were something that I could conquer…control. But I am realizing that is not true for me. It is a daily battle with myself when I get up every morning to decide not to be afraid and to find something about someone to trust. And almost everyday something creeps in to try and destroy my efforts. I’ve realized that if I look really hard, something will come up to restore my faith. However, the task of even looking can be daunting when the thoughts of my past cloud the ones from my present. This makes it extremely difficult to keep my eyes open for the positive things in life. Somehow, I always manage to choose faith over fear.

I have been asked so many times by different people, “Isn’t your life better now?” Or, “why do you keep bringing up the past?” The answer to the first one is a resounding YES!!! The second answer is not so easy to explain. From my point of view I’m not bringing the past up, the past is a part of me, it has never left me. My past has molded the person I am today. Of course things are different. I no longer feel the need to hide in the closet for hours, or to cut myself or to split myself off from the pain. But when I see, hear, taste or feel something that brings up emotions from my past, I usually run in the opposite direction. And usually, I look like an idiot in the process. All of the old sensations that still house themselves somewhere in my soul wake up and sound the alarms. There is no way to get rid of those alarm ringers. They came to be for a reason, and there is nothing that could convince them that they are no longer needed. They are the most loyal of protector’s known to man…and well, women too!

I have difficulty making and keeping friends. Hell, I can’t even trust myself half the time, much less someone else. This interferes with so many different aspects of my life, like making dreams come true. MOST of it is my fault. I would rather not put myself out there and risk nothing, than to risk the pain that I just know will inevitably come. When it comes to making friends, sometimes it is because some people just can’t understand where I’m coming from. A lot of people see me as being negative, or stuck….even strange. I’m really glad that they just can’t understand where I’m coming from. That means that they haven’t experienced the hurt that I have, and that for the most part their lives have been happy. It is one of my deepest wishes that every child could grow up without having to feel that pain.

Why am I feeling the need to share my issues with you? If you know someone that has been abused, I want you to know that that adult you know and/or love still has that abused child somewhere inside of them. Their alarm ringers are always on high alert, which could make their world sound completely irrational to you. When they decide to give you their trust, there can be a battle raging inside of them for doing so. The best thing you can do for them is to listen. If they tell you they have issues in a particular area, please be sensitive to that. And just remember these lyrics from a Melissa Etheridge song, “…I could’ve been you, you could’ve been me. One small change that shapes your destiny…”

  1. rmccann99 says:

    I feel for you, I was married to a woman abused as a child, sadly the therapist, books, etc. all maintained, as you get closer to this person, the less they trust. Seems counter-intuitive but it makes sense, since the person a child trusts the most, a parent, is the one that caused them so much pain. We could not overcome and got divorced. A difficult time in my life.

  2. sandworm says:

    Hey, just turn that rage, fear and distrust into an ‘act’! Actually, getting up on stage and making my life funny helps me out alot…. Sort of a ‘pseudo-therapy-on the fly’ type of arrangement….

    You just keep going and don’t repeat the mistakes with your kids,… I never really wanted to have kids but my wife did…. I really do take alot more pleasure than I ever thought I would by seeing them get to grow up normal…. well ‘normal’ little smart asses but I do comedy so they like to try and ‘impress’ me, it’s really kind of cute.

  3. ladylennon says:

    You never stop amazing me. Seriously. My mom did foster care when I was growing up and she herself had been abused when she was a child. Which is probably part of why she treated me the way she did. You are one of the most well adjusted abuse survivors I know.
    It really takes sometime to get to the point where you can say these are my issues I struggle to get past them but I’m trying. It also takes a long time to get to the point where you understand that though someone abused you it wasn’t your fault. It took me a long time to get that where my mom is concerned.
    Those are good words to live by. M.E. is wiser than most people.

  4. Katherine says:

    Oh, gia, I totally understand you on all counts but especially the first part in the third paragraph. It’s so hard for me to handle when people think you should just get over a thing like child abuse…that you shouldn’t “dwell” on it or let it “keep you down”. I think they don’t understand that if some victims of child abuse could totally let go of the past, they would.

    Ro talked about how it’s always there and pops up whenever it wants, even if your life is good…and I think she’s right.

    You know, I’ve always equated child abuse, especially sexual, to a form of murder, because the abuser murders the person that the child would have been had they not been abused…

  5. linda woods says:

    So brave of you to share this! 🙂

  6. Andrea_44 says:

    Gia thank you for sharing this part of you! It is just a part though….the whole of you is definately worth knowing and loving! (And you are a great writer…..just saying!) 🙂

  7. Josie says:

    Thank you so much for this. The man i am going to marry was abused and I felt that by not bringing it up i would make it better but it isnt better. its possibly worse. we are now at taht point where he is ready to through in the towel and i realise how i should have done this a year ago. but its helped me clarify a lot of things. i care about him so much i want him to be safe with me and i want him to be happy. God i want it so bad.

    I feel so helpless and he is so very special. i just want him to know i am there for him and will always be always.

  8. Kameron says:

    Powerful stuff, thanks for writing it.

    Over the last few years I’ve started unpacking my abuse baggage, and your articles have helped me tap into a few things. Thanks again.

  9. char says:

    I’m trying to understand better someone I love, my husband. To have read your story makes me understand how seriously difficult and painful child abuse is, even to a grown up. I also wanted him to wipe out his “past” victim life and move on ( so we could be happy) but it is carried into the present and we all must deal with the pain as a family. Keep up the good work and we shall try hard as well!

  10. Snowstorm says:

    I was an abused child (when I turned the abuse in to the cops they did nothing when I was a kid)…then got married to an abusive husband. Now in a divorce to have a better life. I hear the same thing don’t dwell in the past. The past has a way to come back to your mind. Sometimes you just have to let it come back to your mind so you can move on. Getting rid of the thoughts that people are out to get you is one I am fighting with. Trusting police/people is the other one. I do have wonderful friends that I trust but it has been hard. The only one I can truly trust is God. He got me through most of it.

  11. Bon says:

    I have avoided this topic for so long and here I am at 40 and just coming to grips with the ‘past’ abuse. I put quotes around it because as you stated, it stays with you.
    Anyway, thank you for posting. I hope you are succeeding.

  12. Gia says:

    If anyone is still following this post or comments, check in and let me know how you’re doing.

  13. austin says:

    Recently just got engaged to the woman of my dreams I am the one an only person she had told about her childhood as well as adult abuse I love her more than anything in this world but she continues to push me away physically and emotionally which was something I didn’t understand until this article just wanted to say its greatly appreciated

  14. austin says:

    Recently got engaged to the woman of my dreams I am the one an only person she had told about her childhood as well as adult abuse I love her more than anything in this world but she continues to push me away physically and emotionally which was something I didn’t understand until this article just wanted to say its greatly appreciated

  15. Gia says:

    Wow, thank you. That is the greatest compliment ever. On behalf of survivor’s, thank you for being brave enough to love someone like me. that takes great courage and strength. Did you read part 1?

  16. same says:

    I have read both parts.I conclude that, in your life there was a blamer, the reason behind all of this. At present, if you are not getting off this. It’s clear that, that blamer still affecting your life. To be free of blamer is only solution, then after you will heal & return back to old mental peace of mind.
    If All Above is right. few suggestions,
    1 search ‘blamer’ articles. expand knowledge regarding to this.
    2 may be you find yourself As victim.
    3 discuss all your feelings with clever person or take professional help
    4 only solution to this is to eliminate that blamer from your life, whether that is your loving one.
    I mean to eliminate his/her blamer mentality.

    best of luck.
    someone like you.

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