It’s been almost 2 years since I wrote part 1. I never realized how many of us there are until I wrote that post. I have received so many beautiful and touching emails over the last few years from survivors and those that love them. Many of you have brought me to tears and have shown me the strength we all have inside of us.
Some things have come up since I wrote part 1 and I’d like to share them with you. At the time I wrote that back in October of 2006, a big part of me really believed that my fear and my trust issues were something that I could conquer…control. But I am realizing that is not true for me. It is a daily battle with myself when I get up every morning to decide not to be afraid and to find something about someone to trust. And almost everyday something creeps in to try and destroy my efforts. I’ve realized that if I look really hard, something will come up to restore my faith. However, the task of even looking can be daunting when the thoughts of my past cloud the ones from my present. This makes it extremely difficult to keep my eyes open for the positive things in life. Somehow, I always manage to choose faith over fear.
I have been asked so many times by different people, “Isn’t your life better now?” Or, “why do you keep bringing up the past?” The answer to the first one is a resounding YES!!! The second answer is not so easy to explain. From my point of view I’m not bringing the past up, the past is a part of me, it has never left me. My past has molded the person I am today. Of course things are different. I no longer feel the need to hide in the closet for hours, or to cut myself or to split myself off from the pain. But when I see, hear, taste or feel something that brings up emotions from my past, I usually run in the opposite direction. And usually, I look like an idiot in the process. All of the old sensations that still house themselves somewhere in my soul wake up and sound the alarms. There is no way to get rid of those alarm ringers. They came to be for a reason, and there is nothing that could convince them that they are no longer needed. They are the most loyal of protector’s known to man…and well, women too!
I have difficulty making and keeping friends. Hell, I can’t even trust myself half the time, much less someone else. This interferes with so many different aspects of my life, like making dreams come true. MOST of it is my fault. I would rather not put myself out there and risk nothing, than to risk the pain that I just know will inevitably come. When it comes to making friends, sometimes it is because some people just can’t understand where I’m coming from. A lot of people see me as being negative, or stuck….even strange. I’m really glad that they just can’t understand where I’m coming from. That means that they haven’t experienced the hurt that I have, and that for the most part their lives have been happy. It is one of my deepest wishes that every child could grow up without having to feel that pain.
Why am I feeling the need to share my issues with you? If you know someone that has been abused, I want you to know that that adult you know and/or love still has that abused child somewhere inside of them. Their alarm ringers are always on high alert, which could make their world sound completely irrational to you. When they decide to give you their trust, there can be a battle raging inside of them for doing so. The best thing you can do for them is to listen. If they tell you they have issues in a particular area, please be sensitive to that. And just remember these lyrics from a Melissa Etheridge song, “…I could’ve been you, you could’ve been me. One small change that shapes your destiny…”