Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

I think I figured something out.  Those who could care less about you don’t wring your heart into a twisted knot.  Those who care about you, even love you, make you feel like shit.  Life and stuff, it never ceases to amaze me.

I certainly see the appeal of being a lonely old maid….

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Last week I found myself alone with my thoughts in the ER with a blood pressure of 199/117.  In between  test after test I began to think back to my past journal writings of my deceitful friend, the back stabbing cigarette.  I realized, I really have to quit smoking…. again.  My cigarettes are holding onto me tighter than they ever have before.  I am at a loss at how to shove them out of my life once and for all.  I’m re-posting some pieces I wrote back in 2007 about quitting.  I did quit, but I felt as if I had become the monster my cigarettes had once been.  I  started smoking again in early 2008 and have been smoking steadily ever since.  And honestly, I’ve enjoyed the hell out of it!  But after my results from my test came back…. I know I have to quit.  I am putting a plan into action…. but….. I’m utterly terrified.

 

Beginning of old journal writing…

I started smoking on occasion when I was 19 years old. I didn’t smoke everyday. The extremes were, a cigarette or 2 a month all the way to a couple of packs a week. I really enjoyed smoking. Every time I would sit at my desk, with pen in hand to write a new poem or story, a cigarette would always take my writer’s block away. When I felt a little lonely, bored or depressed, they were there, always making me feel better. My cigarettes were a kind, non-intrusive friend. They were there when I needed them, but never forceful. If I didn’t want them around, they left me alone until I was ready. It was an ideal relationship.

Over time my cigarettes changed from a kind and patient friend to an over bearing, controlling one. After about 10 years of a wonderful, respectful relationship, my cigarettes became evil. They would no longer sit in the drawer and wait for me to come. They demanded I keep them with me at all times, and that I take up most of my free time devoted to them. They purposely left their scent on me, so everyone would know that they belonged to me. After a time, I became obsessed with my cigarettes. If I weren’t spending time with them, I was spending time thinking about them. Wondering when I would get my time with them and do I have them with me? I could not stop myself from thinking about these things, despite the fact that I knew I would always make time for them and I would always have them with me, as they demanded nothing less from me. I now lived my life as an addict. I smoked around a pack a day even though I could hardly breathe, and I was constantly exhausted. But the cigarettes are tricky and conniving and convinced me that if I have another cigarette, I would feel better. I believed it for awhile. But every once in awhile I would wise up to them.

Once, a few years ago I tried to leave them behind. But as controlling and manipulative friends do, they dug their claws in even harder, they stalked my thoughts, they made me feel out of control. Finally, after only 2 and half days, I took them back…and we were happy, for awhile.

About 7 or 8 months ago I began to see my cigarettes for what they really were. They began to annoy the hell out of me. I couldn’t stand the sight, the smell, or that sizzle sound they make when they’re lighting up. I was tired of them following me everywhere, and all of the time they demanded of me. I thought about leaving again, but I knew how slick they are. This time it would have to be different. I would have to outsmart them. Back door them when they least expect it. It was time to make a plan. These damn cigarettes were going to destroy me if I didn’t do something.

In February,  2007.  I was in and out of doctor’s offices with many problems going on at once.  Surgery was inevitable, but when was in question.  I knew that I would be having surgery, and I knew that being a non-smoker would make the outcome so much better.  But my cigarettes, my friend stood firmly, forcibly by me through the entire ordeal. 

The 5 days I spent in March when I thought I had cancer, my cigarettes were my constant companion. (It wasn’t cancer, thank goodness)  They spent even more time than usual with me, tricking me more and more with every passing minute.  They chanted over and over again that I couldn’t get through this without them, and I was actually stupid enough to believe them.  So, I lit up…A LOT.  I smoked more than I had ever smoked before.  I could literally feel my body deteriorating with every sizzle of another cigarette.

The results from my many test started rolling in.  Every incoming test confirmed that my cigarettes were slowly, but steadily killing me.  My impending surgery would be nothing compared to what was to come if I didn’t throw those damn things out of the door once and for all.

So, begins the plan.  I still spent time with my cigarettes, acting as if nothing was wrong.  But secretly, I was planning my escape.  I day dreamed about not smoking.  I day dreamed about not smoking in different situations that I would normally smoke.  These thoughts caused me to have a lot of anxiety and stress for awhile.  You’ve got to understand, these things, these cigarettes had been my friend for almost 20 years, it is a grieving process.  I couldn’t just throw the cigarettes out without thinking about it first.

After a time, the thought of ditching my smokes  no longer caused panic and anxiety.  Hell, I could do it in my sleep it had become so easy.  At this point, I started practicing what I’d been thinking about.  For example, usually as soon as I jumped into the car I would immediately reach for my cigs.  Instead of reaching right away, I would sing along with a song first…and then smoke.  At first, my cigarettes didn’t know what was going on…but after awhile they began to get suspicious.  As you know, when an evil, vindictive friend gets suspicious of your loyalty, WATCH OUT!!!!

My cigarettes were on to me, and they came after me with a vengeance.  They made my life a living hell for awhile.  They did not leave me alone for a free thought for more than a second, as they were always on my mind.  It seemed they were  controlling my every movement, forcing me to reach for a smoke, not realizing what I was doing until I was putting my cigarette out.  They are sly and they are sneaky, but above all else…they are powerful!  Cigarettes can put Lord Voldemort to shame!

Obviously, I had lost all control over myself and my life.  I knew it was going to be exhausting, but it was time for me to take  control of the situation.  Being a control freak, I  usually enjoy this,  but I knew this was going to be extremely daunting. 

At this point, we are up to about mid August, 2007 already. The war had been going on for about 5 or 6 months, and the cigarettes were beating my ass!    I kicked the fight up into high gear.  I understood the motives of “my friend”, it was going to be a fight for my life. 

For the next 2 and half months or so, I would purposely “forget” my cigarettes, or I would purposely make myself sick by smoking too many cigarettes, or smoking cigarettes that were stronger than I was used to.  I was still thinking about and practicing not smoking in certain situations.  I could feel myself getting closer to walking away and I could feel the anxiety creeping in.  Every time my cigarettes tried to take the power back, and control how and when I smoked, I’d push them away.

On Sunday, October 21, 2007 I realized that in order to give up my smokes, I was going to have to trick myself.  I would take over the roll of tricking.  I gave myself permission to smoke, but I thought of better things to do instead.  If I wanted a cigarette, I could have one if nothing else made me feel better.  It would be a battle of the wills, a competition against myself…and I was, I am, going to win.

end of old journal writing….

My cigarettes are still a manipulative, controlling, annoying friend that I allow to stay in my life.  This friend is slowly killing me….

I hope to figure out how to break this…. and I hope I can find the courage to share it here.  But I have to admit…. I’m a bit embarrassed for anyone to know that this beast is still in my life, and that I’m allowing it to do so.

Why is it that each new teenage generation thinks they invented all the cool phrases and words or that only they are entitled to use them?

The other day, one of the teenagers in my life was telling me something great about their day.
To show great, short winded, enthusiastic support, I snapped “Awesome!”

What I heard back was, “Oh no, you did NOT just use that word!”
“What word?”
“Awesome! You’re too old to use that word.”

Listen for sounds of me laughing, HYSTERICALLY!!!

“Oh, right…. okey dokey, GOLLY GEE THAT SURE SOUNDS NEATO!”
“Well now you’re just be sarcastic”, comes the reply.

YA THINK?????

I think if anything, the older we get the more entitled we are to use the shorter, cooler phrases. As time goes by we’re burning our candles at both ends. When we’re trying to express ourselves we need to say what’s on our minds as quickly as possible before we forget what it is that’s on our minds!

And speaking of bull shit…… I wonder if out in a bull field somewhere there are 2 bulls talking to eachother saying, “Man, that bill the bull sure is a bully! he’s full of human shit!”

If allowing Jane and Susan to be married is putting your marriage at risk, you and your spouse have bigger problems than who your neighbor is marrying.  What the hell are you all so afraid of?  You’re willing to stomp all over the rights of others because you’re so fearful?  In case you didn’t know, banning gay marriage is unconstitutional.

14th Amendment of the Bill of Rights

Section 1.
All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

A ban on gay marriage is a  good thing to protect marriage?  Protect it from what???????  The only thing that can protect your marriage is you and your spouse!!!!!    Get over your fucking selves and stop treating gays and lesbians the way you used to treat African Americans and women!!!!   “We are all created equal!”  Despite your insecurities and your fears!

KEEP YOUR DAMN OPINIONS OFF OF EVERY AMERICANS CIVIL RIGHTS!!!!!!

And before you decide you want to start throwing bible versus at me, remember that in the United States we have the separation of church and state!

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These bumper stickers are all over cars down here in the south.  It really pisses me off!!!  Ever heard of separation of church and state????  And btw…if you don’t agree with gay marriage, by all means…. DO NOT HAVE ONE!!!!!

Here are some “reason’s” for prohibiting gay marriage.  Which just proves my point that people who think this way are morons to begin with!!!!

Blood Stains

Posted: September 14, 2008 in All, Blogroll, children, Family, Life, MY POEMS, Thoughts

Sitting on the bed,
Feet dangling.
Hands over ears
Couldn’t stop the stabbing voices
From behind the door.
His name bounced off
Every wall,
And every once in awhile,
Mine too.
My own blood,
Stains from a moment of
Heated passion.
Door slung open,
Smiles fixed,
Eyes pouring arsenic
Into my soul.

The vinyl slid out of its’ sleeve,
The speakers bumping so loud
My screams went unheard.
The beer cans stacked
On the counter, one by one.
He sang and danced,
gyrating hips,
With the man he just cursed.
Becoming him
If just for a night.

Picking up my Holly Hobbie
I whispered my fears into her ears.
The secret pocket
Under her rag dress
Held a piece of glass
I found on the step.
That was the first time
I tried to drain the blood
That would dry the
Tears of resentment.

vivi-playing.jpg

I’m sitting here feeling completely blown away.  I am a regular reader of rosie.com.  Today, I went to Rosie’s website, and saw the above picture, and spent a few moments remembering my own childhood, and the pretend games I used to play.  You remember those games don’t you? Digging to China, army, cowboy and Indians, cops and robbers.  It was nice to spend that moment remembering that part of my imagination that I don’t seem to have anymore.  A few  hours later I check back in with rosie.com, and was amazed to read the comments that people wrote in response to this innocent picture.  I guess I’m a freakin’ moron, because the symbolism of the picture didn’t even cross my mind initially.  I see it now.  But my God people, give me a flippin’ break.  Apparently this picture of an innocent, beautiful young girl playing war with her brothers made TMZ and fox news for cryin’ out loud.

Meanwhile, more soldiers have died.  A mother and father’s little boy.  A mother and father’s little girl.  DEAD, GONE, NO LONGER WALKING ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH.  And yet, this little girl playing make believe makes “news.”  What is the deal with that?  Can a mother not post a picture of her child on her blog playing a game?  What difference does it make what her mother’s politics are?

Children play games, they play dress-up.  They act out things that they are trying to make sense of.  From my experience with working with children, the parents who forbid their children from play fighting, playing guns, or any form of violent games raised children who were overly fascinated with those things as adults.  Lighten up people…and please, put your focus on the important things, like the heros fighting and dying in the real world!

Whew!  I feel better now.