Archive for the ‘Health’ Category

I think I figured something out.  Those who could care less about you don’t wring your heart into a twisted knot.  Those who care about you, even love you, make you feel like shit.  Life and stuff, it never ceases to amaze me.

I certainly see the appeal of being a lonely old maid….


Last week I found myself alone with my thoughts in the ER with a blood pressure of 199/117.  In between  test after test I began to think back to my past journal writings of my deceitful friend, the back stabbing cigarette.  I realized, I really have to quit smoking…. again.  My cigarettes are holding onto me tighter than they ever have before.  I am at a loss at how to shove them out of my life once and for all.  I’m re-posting some pieces I wrote back in 2007 about quitting.  I did quit, but I felt as if I had become the monster my cigarettes had once been.  I  started smoking again in early 2008 and have been smoking steadily ever since.  And honestly, I’ve enjoyed the hell out of it!  But after my results from my test came back…. I know I have to quit.  I am putting a plan into action…. but….. I’m utterly terrified.


Beginning of old journal writing…

I started smoking on occasion when I was 19 years old. I didn’t smoke everyday. The extremes were, a cigarette or 2 a month all the way to a couple of packs a week. I really enjoyed smoking. Every time I would sit at my desk, with pen in hand to write a new poem or story, a cigarette would always take my writer’s block away. When I felt a little lonely, bored or depressed, they were there, always making me feel better. My cigarettes were a kind, non-intrusive friend. They were there when I needed them, but never forceful. If I didn’t want them around, they left me alone until I was ready. It was an ideal relationship.

Over time my cigarettes changed from a kind and patient friend to an over bearing, controlling one. After about 10 years of a wonderful, respectful relationship, my cigarettes became evil. They would no longer sit in the drawer and wait for me to come. They demanded I keep them with me at all times, and that I take up most of my free time devoted to them. They purposely left their scent on me, so everyone would know that they belonged to me. After a time, I became obsessed with my cigarettes. If I weren’t spending time with them, I was spending time thinking about them. Wondering when I would get my time with them and do I have them with me? I could not stop myself from thinking about these things, despite the fact that I knew I would always make time for them and I would always have them with me, as they demanded nothing less from me. I now lived my life as an addict. I smoked around a pack a day even though I could hardly breathe, and I was constantly exhausted. But the cigarettes are tricky and conniving and convinced me that if I have another cigarette, I would feel better. I believed it for awhile. But every once in awhile I would wise up to them.

Once, a few years ago I tried to leave them behind. But as controlling and manipulative friends do, they dug their claws in even harder, they stalked my thoughts, they made me feel out of control. Finally, after only 2 and half days, I took them back…and we were happy, for awhile.

About 7 or 8 months ago I began to see my cigarettes for what they really were. They began to annoy the hell out of me. I couldn’t stand the sight, the smell, or that sizzle sound they make when they’re lighting up. I was tired of them following me everywhere, and all of the time they demanded of me. I thought about leaving again, but I knew how slick they are. This time it would have to be different. I would have to outsmart them. Back door them when they least expect it. It was time to make a plan. These damn cigarettes were going to destroy me if I didn’t do something.

In February,  2007.  I was in and out of doctor’s offices with many problems going on at once.  Surgery was inevitable, but when was in question.  I knew that I would be having surgery, and I knew that being a non-smoker would make the outcome so much better.  But my cigarettes, my friend stood firmly, forcibly by me through the entire ordeal. 

The 5 days I spent in March when I thought I had cancer, my cigarettes were my constant companion. (It wasn’t cancer, thank goodness)  They spent even more time than usual with me, tricking me more and more with every passing minute.  They chanted over and over again that I couldn’t get through this without them, and I was actually stupid enough to believe them.  So, I lit up…A LOT.  I smoked more than I had ever smoked before.  I could literally feel my body deteriorating with every sizzle of another cigarette.

The results from my many test started rolling in.  Every incoming test confirmed that my cigarettes were slowly, but steadily killing me.  My impending surgery would be nothing compared to what was to come if I didn’t throw those damn things out of the door once and for all.

So, begins the plan.  I still spent time with my cigarettes, acting as if nothing was wrong.  But secretly, I was planning my escape.  I day dreamed about not smoking.  I day dreamed about not smoking in different situations that I would normally smoke.  These thoughts caused me to have a lot of anxiety and stress for awhile.  You’ve got to understand, these things, these cigarettes had been my friend for almost 20 years, it is a grieving process.  I couldn’t just throw the cigarettes out without thinking about it first.

After a time, the thought of ditching my smokes  no longer caused panic and anxiety.  Hell, I could do it in my sleep it had become so easy.  At this point, I started practicing what I’d been thinking about.  For example, usually as soon as I jumped into the car I would immediately reach for my cigs.  Instead of reaching right away, I would sing along with a song first…and then smoke.  At first, my cigarettes didn’t know what was going on…but after awhile they began to get suspicious.  As you know, when an evil, vindictive friend gets suspicious of your loyalty, WATCH OUT!!!!

My cigarettes were on to me, and they came after me with a vengeance.  They made my life a living hell for awhile.  They did not leave me alone for a free thought for more than a second, as they were always on my mind.  It seemed they were  controlling my every movement, forcing me to reach for a smoke, not realizing what I was doing until I was putting my cigarette out.  They are sly and they are sneaky, but above all else…they are powerful!  Cigarettes can put Lord Voldemort to shame!

Obviously, I had lost all control over myself and my life.  I knew it was going to be exhausting, but it was time for me to take  control of the situation.  Being a control freak, I  usually enjoy this,  but I knew this was going to be extremely daunting. 

At this point, we are up to about mid August, 2007 already. The war had been going on for about 5 or 6 months, and the cigarettes were beating my ass!    I kicked the fight up into high gear.  I understood the motives of “my friend”, it was going to be a fight for my life. 

For the next 2 and half months or so, I would purposely “forget” my cigarettes, or I would purposely make myself sick by smoking too many cigarettes, or smoking cigarettes that were stronger than I was used to.  I was still thinking about and practicing not smoking in certain situations.  I could feel myself getting closer to walking away and I could feel the anxiety creeping in.  Every time my cigarettes tried to take the power back, and control how and when I smoked, I’d push them away.

On Sunday, October 21, 2007 I realized that in order to give up my smokes, I was going to have to trick myself.  I would take over the roll of tricking.  I gave myself permission to smoke, but I thought of better things to do instead.  If I wanted a cigarette, I could have one if nothing else made me feel better.  It would be a battle of the wills, a competition against myself…and I was, I am, going to win.

end of old journal writing….

My cigarettes are still a manipulative, controlling, annoying friend that I allow to stay in my life.  This friend is slowly killing me….

I hope to figure out how to break this…. and I hope I can find the courage to share it here.  But I have to admit…. I’m a bit embarrassed for anyone to know that this beast is still in my life, and that I’m allowing it to do so.

really p.o.’d

Posted: April 24, 2007 in All, Blogroll, child abuse, Health, Life, rants, Thoughts

I really just don’t get it…and I guess I have no one to blame but myself.  I have been having physical problems for almost 3 years now.  Because of my extensive abuse I suffered as a child, I don’t go to the doctor unless I feel like I’m dying. (the wonderful results of having your body used and mistreated) I haven’t been to the dentist in almost 20 years.  Finally, I got to where I couldn’t take it anymore.  It took every little piece of everything that I am, but I called the OB/GYN.  It took a month to get an appointment.  Now, I have a diagnoses of an 8 inch fibroid that is tangled up in the muscle.  The doctor wants to do a hysterectomy. (I won’t even go into all of the confusion, fear, and question I have with that issue) None the less, there is a catch.  I have to wait another 6 weeks before they can do surgery.  I am in a lot of pain, there are not any pain pills I can take that work.  I’m being treated for acid reflux until my gall bladder test come back.  I have severe hydronephrosis (sp) of the left kidney, that is enlarged and bringing much pain as it is.  My blood pressure is through  the roof at around 152 over 100.  I’m trying to work with special needs kids with all of this pain and discomfort….and the doctor’s office doesn’t seem to give a shit.  So my question is this, how many of you have had these problems with health care?  What did you do about it?  But hell, they’re the almighty doctor, and I’m a little bitty no body. What can I really do ?  All I’m left with is, the health care system sucks!

Sorry for the rant, but I’m uncomfortable, I’m in pain, and I’m tired.  Thanks for listening/reading!

Thank you

Posted: April 19, 2007 in All, Blogroll, Health, Thoughts

Thank  you to those who have been very supportive.  I finally talked to the doctor. I’m 95% sure I do not have cancer. Thank God!  I have a fibroid tumor that is “bigger than a grapefruit but smaller than a cantloupe.”  So, I will have to have surgery….maybe even have my kidney out….but it looks like I’m going to live!!!!  I never imagined how hard it would be trying to do the day to day stuff, when in the back of your mind you’re thinking, “what’s the use?”  It has been nice reading the encouraging words from my fellow bloggers…it is greatly appreciated.  So, until the next post….later!

a moment…

Posted: April 12, 2007 in All, Blogroll, Health, Life, Religion, Thoughts

What do you do when most of your life  you’ve wanted to die because you’ve felt so miserable? Then suddenly, you’re faced with the possibility of it coming true?

I’ve mentioned a few times in other post that I’ve been having health problems.  My coping mechinism when  overwhelmed is to avoid whatever the problem might be.  I’ve been avoiding going to the doctor because I’ve known that something is wrong.  You know how sometimes you just feel it.  Well, today I finally went to the doctor.  And they found something abnormal.  Now I’m faced with more  test.  It could be I just need a hysterectomy, or a kidney removed and then I’ll be fine.  Or just a cyst or two.  Or, oh God….the big “C”.   But my test is not until Monday afternoon, so I’m left with nothing but my mind to wonder.  Is it a blessing of what I wanted in the past?  Is there still a part of me that just wants to be out of my misery?  Or, do I really just want to live, but be happy and healthy?  You don’t know me, but if you’re reading this, if you can find a way to say a quick, quiet prayer for me…if for nothing else, to live happily and with good health.  Any encouraging words?  Thank you.

Susan Thixton’s, “The Truth About Pet Food” is shocking and disturbing.  According to Susan, most dog food company’s are not using USDA approved meat, and have little restrictions on what they can put into dog food, pet snacks and treats.  There are a lot of popular brands of pet foods that contain diseased animal’s that were taken out of the human food chain. Other ingredient’s can include feather’s, hooves, beaks, and yes many company’s use, even have contracts with dog pounds to use euthanized dogs and cats. This means there are traces of the drugs used to euthanize those animals in the dog food. It has been reported that some dog food company’s even use deceased animals that have not only been dead for days and left rotting in the hot sun, but may be compromised with disease.

This was a complete and total shock to me.  I had no idea how little restrictions the pet food industry has placed on it.  The solution, in assuring that your pets are not being fed any of these inferior ingredient’s is to read the label.  The first 5 ingredients are the most important.  Look for ingredients that contain chicken meal, lamb meal, and fish meal.  Fresh Chicken is not harmful, but nutritionally inferior to the meal.  If any kind of wheat, flour, corn, or barley meal are in the first few ingredients, it will not supply your pet with the proper amount of protein. BHA and BHT, a preservative can be found in some dog foods, and could be responsible for the jump in cancer affecting pets. 

In simple terms

Harmful ingredients include:



By-products of any sort, especially meat



Meat and bone meal

Animal digest

Beef tallow


Soybean hulls

Desirable ingredients include:

Chicken meal

Brown rice

If you have any questions, Susan strongly suggest you talk to your vet.  Do your loved one a favor, feed’em well and help to add a few years to their life.

I’m adding this 18 hours after I wrote this post.  I just read where some dogs have died from kidney failure from bad dog food.  Here is a link to the story.

“What do you eat that makes you so FAT ?!”

“i am not so fat
just fat
4 america
at least ”

This was a question on  r blog.  First of all, a person wouldn’t just approach a person on the street, a person they don’t even know and ask this question unless they’re a jerk.  Just because someone is a celebrity doesn’t mean they’re open season, and one can say whatever pops into their little minds.  But, the  point of this post is to let people know that fat and consumption aren’t always related.  I am 5 foot 7 (if I stand up straight), and weigh 180 lbs.  A lot of people consider that fat.  But let me tell you, as Rosanne Barr said, “I eat as much as everyone else, I just don’t throw it all up when I’m done.”  Joking aside, I generally eat 2 or 3 meals a day, a snack in the a.m. and a snack in the p.m.. I don’t eat after dinner, if I eat dinner at all.  Sometimes I’m just too damn tired to think about digesting anything.   I don’t drink sugary soda’s, but I do drink beer.  I get up at 4:45 in the morning, I do have a 2 hour lunch break, but don’t sit down again at night until anywhere between 7 and 8.  My body is moving.  I work with special needs kids, so my job is physical.  I know some very stick like people who are eating all of the time.  And a lot of the times it’s a bunch of junk, with a sugary soda every couple of hours.  According to “The Secret”, your weight has nothing to do with what you eat.  It has to do with the messages you give yourself about weight.  If you’re messages are negative, you will attract the fat to you, and you will be fat.  (That made me laugh).  So, all of us fat chicks, lets ban together, and use our all powerful brains and send our fat to all of the skinny bitch’s who want to know how much we eat to get that fat!