Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Sitting outside on a brisk early spring day, every inch of my skin is covered like a face wearing a made for zits mask.  The winds are blowing too, which makes it more uncomfortable than a hoover in a walk in freezer. 

Any hoo, I notice the dog  slouching against the deck railing, sniffing every scent that blows by and intently listening to the calls of the blue jay in that pine tree over there.   Suddenly it hit me, I wonder why I can’t be more like a dog?  I know it’s weird to say that outloud, but it’s really freeing.  You outta try it.  Go back up there to that sentence and actually say outloud, and not just moving your lips, “I wonder why I can’t be more like a dog?”  Okay, maybe it’s not that freeing….

But I really didn’t  come here to talk about that anyway.

Have you ever noticed that the most annoying people are always pointing out how annoying everyone and everything else is?  I say this because last week I found myself, …., I caught myself, …., No…. neither of those…. I NOTICED that I thought to myself twice and actually said outloud to someone else once that I thought 3 separate people were so annoying.  I guess we keep ourselves busy noticing the annoying stuff around us so we can actually tolerate ourselves for more than an hour. hmmm

But I really didn’t want to talk about that either.  GAWD, this is so annoying!!  In fact, I’ve annoyed myself to the point that I can’t tell you what it is I came here to tell you.

So please, if you would do me a great favor and tell me how annoying everyone and everything is so I can tolerate myself enough to come back and talk about what it is I really need to talk about….  Thanks!

Did you notice how many times I used the word outloud?  That could be one of your annoying things. But at the very least I hope I’ve helped you to tolerate yourself for a bit longer….

Damn it…. now I’m late for work!!!

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Why is it that each new teenage generation thinks they invented all the cool phrases and words or that only they are entitled to use them?

The other day, one of the teenagers in my life was telling me something great about their day.
To show great, short winded, enthusiastic support, I snapped “Awesome!”

What I heard back was, “Oh no, you did NOT just use that word!”
“What word?”
“Awesome! You’re too old to use that word.”

Listen for sounds of me laughing, HYSTERICALLY!!!

“Oh, right…. okey dokey, GOLLY GEE THAT SURE SOUNDS NEATO!”
“Well now you’re just be sarcastic”, comes the reply.

YA THINK?????

I think if anything, the older we get the more entitled we are to use the shorter, cooler phrases. As time goes by we’re burning our candles at both ends. When we’re trying to express ourselves we need to say what’s on our minds as quickly as possible before we forget what it is that’s on our minds!

And speaking of bull shit…… I wonder if out in a bull field somewhere there are 2 bulls talking to eachother saying, “Man, that bill the bull sure is a bully! he’s full of human shit!”

this is a continuation to a previous post, “have a crappy day”.    This came to my mind today while visiting my local Starbucks.  I receive gift cards there twice a year.  It would be 3 times a year, but since I’m a lucky bitch who has a birthday the day after Christmas, I get the gift cards twice a year.  Christmas/birthday and mothers day. 

So, I go in and always get the “how are you?” 
Every single time someone ask me that question, I wonder what would happen if I said something really off the fucking wall. 
Something like, “I was fine yesterday, but today I just want fucking coffee”  or  “I’m great now that I know Ann Coulter’s point of view is the same as a horse’s ass with eyes.”   Or some other crazy shit.
But instead, I always say “good” or “great.”  BLAH!  

Then, they always insist on knowing your FIRST name so they can call back to the barista, 
“so and so wants a……”   
Here again, I want to say something crazy because when I say “Gia” I know what will come. 
“Ah, that’s an unusual name” or “I loved that movie”  or “were you named after the model?” 
I guess I should see that as a compliment…. but

I get my grande starbucks cup with my name nicely placed above the special order section.  But I wonder….

What would the barista write on my cup if the polite, little college girl said, “non fat, triple, grande latte for fuck you!”

So, in light of my wonderful mood here’s a bit from George Carlin, Have a nice day!!!!

Happy New Year

Happy Easter

Happy Hanukkah

Merry Christmas

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Valentines Day

Are these holidays really happy or merry?  Does adding happy or merry to the holiday make you feel happy or merry?  Or do you just feel happy and merry because you enjoy the significance of the holiday?

I’m thinking of putting this theory to the test.   I’ve been feeling really crappy lately.  So, I’m wondering if I blurt out “HAPPY CRAPPY DAY”  if that will make me feel happy about feeling crappy?  Who knows, maybe I’ll start a National holiday where everyone gets to stay home and feel happy about feeling crappy!  Hell, if I could have a stay home feelin’ crappy day, WITH PAY….That would make me pretty damn happy about feeling crappy!

Bah humbug!  YES, I’m being a scrooge….. but no matter how many times people blurt out MERRY CHRISTMAS or HAPPY HOLIDAYS, it doesn’t make me feel anymore merry or happy! (sorry, but you’d have to know what’s going on or be in the same place in order to understand this sentiment)

On another note, I noticed the Christians are trying to take over the phrase, Happy Holidays.  They’re now saying, “Jesus being born is a happy holiday”.  Give me a freakin’ break.  Let people have their non committal, politically correct phrase that covers everything and makes everyone but a scrooge happy, Damn it!

a holiday everyday

The following has been passed around through email for several years, so it seems.  However, I just got a hold of it, and loved it.  It is so funny!  If you haven’t seen it, you’ve got to read this.  Enjoy!

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.  The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues,  via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now  have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus question:  Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:   First, we need to know  how the mass of  Hell is changing in time.  So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of  these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.  Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.  With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and  pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all  Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it?  If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.  The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…….leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, “Oh my God.”

This student received an A+ 

 

 

You single parents out there understand.  There are not enough hours in the day to collect your thoughts, much less tend to any hobbies you may have. (did I actually say hobbies? who has time for those?)  I’ve been rather neglectful of my oh so faithful blog.  But she keeps on giving, even when it’s impossible for me to give to her, never feeling jealous or resentful.  When I get 10 minutes here or there, I sit down and surf other blogs…it’s just nice to sit back, chug a few beers, relax and relate to my fellow insanely, quirky, off the wall bloggers, even if there’s not time to respond. What the hell is  better than that after an insane day?

Okay, here comes the freaky part.  I have been so digging roseanne world…as in Roseanne Barr.  (don’t know if that’s still the name she goes by)  She is one wild, fucked up  crazy bitch.  But there’s something about her humor that, well…amuses me.  Her blog is not only freaky, it’s wild, it’s plastered, it’s as insane as its’ author.  But it’s fresh, funny, and insanely addicting.  (how many times have I used the word insane here? hmmmm) Anyway, it has become one of the first sites I check lately.

To Roseanne…you are insane, and I love you and your wit.  You are great!  To the rest of the blogger world, if you haven’t checked her out, and you know you want to…here’s that fork in the road you’ve been looking for. 

From May 2007, on Saturday Night Live…TV Funhouse.  The presidential candidates do some spring cleaning.  Just goes to show, no one is the perfect candidate…they all have skeletons in the closet.  Hilarious clip!