Archive for the ‘women’ Category

 

I used to have a shirt, not a blouse, definitely a shirt hanging in my closet. I made sure it was always clean, it was my favorite shirt. I wore it no less than 2 times a week. I loved it because of the way it hung on my curves. It wasn’t revealing or feminine and it wasn’t refrained or masculine. This shirt, the color of burnt ash matched any mood I might be in on any particular day. I flowed with a sense of purpose in this shirt. This shirt clung to not just my body, but to my mind, soul, and spirit. It was who I am, inside and out.

The first time I met her, I was wearing this shirt. This shirt gave me confidence, and in my minds eye, sex appeal. I doubt anyone else saw what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Most people are this way. They live life being directed by the reins rather than holding them themselves. I don’t mind so much, because I have a sense of freedom from knowing what they don’t. Because of that fact, this shirt gave me the confidence I needed to go up to her, and smile my most sensational smile, and say hello. She took all of me in, and saw in me at that precise moment what I saw when I looked in the mirror every time I wore this shirt. I was grateful.

For many years, she and I were inseparable. She seemed to adore me, even if I wasn’t wearing this shirt. That’s something I’ve never been able to say before, so I knew this shirt had to have magic! This shirt brought us together and it was rewarded with it being worn over and over again. This shirt gave me 8 faithful years. I loved this shirt!

I’m not sure which came first, the dying of this shirt or the dying of my relationship with her. She began to despise this shirt with rolling her eyes, and mouthing, “Oh God, I’m sick of it.“ Did my shirt lose its magic, or had I? No sooner had the shirt lost its appeal, so did our relationship. I was back to being the only one who saw something special when I looked in the mirror. Whatever she saw, she no longer did.

This shirt hung in the closet, never to be touched again. But the pain of seeing it there, hurt too much, that I was forced to put it to rest. This burnt ash colored shirt that had given me so much, deserved no less. As I sat on the side of the bed saying my last goodbyes, one of the last 4 buttons that still hung on, rolled down the sleeve onto the floor, just as a tear rolled down my cheek.

I often think of this shirt, and the magic it had within its fibers. Deep down, a part of me wishes we had never met.

A vignette I wrote as a submission for a contest  for the Off-Broadway show Love, Loss, and What I Wore. I don’t think I won, so I decided to post it publicly.   http://www.more.com/love-love-and-what-i-wore-contest

 

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Last week I found myself alone with my thoughts in the ER with a blood pressure of 199/117.  In between  test after test I began to think back to my past journal writings of my deceitful friend, the back stabbing cigarette.  I realized, I really have to quit smoking…. again.  My cigarettes are holding onto me tighter than they ever have before.  I am at a loss at how to shove them out of my life once and for all.  I’m re-posting some pieces I wrote back in 2007 about quitting.  I did quit, but I felt as if I had become the monster my cigarettes had once been.  I  started smoking again in early 2008 and have been smoking steadily ever since.  And honestly, I’ve enjoyed the hell out of it!  But after my results from my test came back…. I know I have to quit.  I am putting a plan into action…. but….. I’m utterly terrified.

 

Beginning of old journal writing…

I started smoking on occasion when I was 19 years old. I didn’t smoke everyday. The extremes were, a cigarette or 2 a month all the way to a couple of packs a week. I really enjoyed smoking. Every time I would sit at my desk, with pen in hand to write a new poem or story, a cigarette would always take my writer’s block away. When I felt a little lonely, bored or depressed, they were there, always making me feel better. My cigarettes were a kind, non-intrusive friend. They were there when I needed them, but never forceful. If I didn’t want them around, they left me alone until I was ready. It was an ideal relationship.

Over time my cigarettes changed from a kind and patient friend to an over bearing, controlling one. After about 10 years of a wonderful, respectful relationship, my cigarettes became evil. They would no longer sit in the drawer and wait for me to come. They demanded I keep them with me at all times, and that I take up most of my free time devoted to them. They purposely left their scent on me, so everyone would know that they belonged to me. After a time, I became obsessed with my cigarettes. If I weren’t spending time with them, I was spending time thinking about them. Wondering when I would get my time with them and do I have them with me? I could not stop myself from thinking about these things, despite the fact that I knew I would always make time for them and I would always have them with me, as they demanded nothing less from me. I now lived my life as an addict. I smoked around a pack a day even though I could hardly breathe, and I was constantly exhausted. But the cigarettes are tricky and conniving and convinced me that if I have another cigarette, I would feel better. I believed it for awhile. But every once in awhile I would wise up to them.

Once, a few years ago I tried to leave them behind. But as controlling and manipulative friends do, they dug their claws in even harder, they stalked my thoughts, they made me feel out of control. Finally, after only 2 and half days, I took them back…and we were happy, for awhile.

About 7 or 8 months ago I began to see my cigarettes for what they really were. They began to annoy the hell out of me. I couldn’t stand the sight, the smell, or that sizzle sound they make when they’re lighting up. I was tired of them following me everywhere, and all of the time they demanded of me. I thought about leaving again, but I knew how slick they are. This time it would have to be different. I would have to outsmart them. Back door them when they least expect it. It was time to make a plan. These damn cigarettes were going to destroy me if I didn’t do something.

In February,  2007.  I was in and out of doctor’s offices with many problems going on at once.  Surgery was inevitable, but when was in question.  I knew that I would be having surgery, and I knew that being a non-smoker would make the outcome so much better.  But my cigarettes, my friend stood firmly, forcibly by me through the entire ordeal. 

The 5 days I spent in March when I thought I had cancer, my cigarettes were my constant companion. (It wasn’t cancer, thank goodness)  They spent even more time than usual with me, tricking me more and more with every passing minute.  They chanted over and over again that I couldn’t get through this without them, and I was actually stupid enough to believe them.  So, I lit up…A LOT.  I smoked more than I had ever smoked before.  I could literally feel my body deteriorating with every sizzle of another cigarette.

The results from my many test started rolling in.  Every incoming test confirmed that my cigarettes were slowly, but steadily killing me.  My impending surgery would be nothing compared to what was to come if I didn’t throw those damn things out of the door once and for all.

So, begins the plan.  I still spent time with my cigarettes, acting as if nothing was wrong.  But secretly, I was planning my escape.  I day dreamed about not smoking.  I day dreamed about not smoking in different situations that I would normally smoke.  These thoughts caused me to have a lot of anxiety and stress for awhile.  You’ve got to understand, these things, these cigarettes had been my friend for almost 20 years, it is a grieving process.  I couldn’t just throw the cigarettes out without thinking about it first.

After a time, the thought of ditching my smokes  no longer caused panic and anxiety.  Hell, I could do it in my sleep it had become so easy.  At this point, I started practicing what I’d been thinking about.  For example, usually as soon as I jumped into the car I would immediately reach for my cigs.  Instead of reaching right away, I would sing along with a song first…and then smoke.  At first, my cigarettes didn’t know what was going on…but after awhile they began to get suspicious.  As you know, when an evil, vindictive friend gets suspicious of your loyalty, WATCH OUT!!!!

My cigarettes were on to me, and they came after me with a vengeance.  They made my life a living hell for awhile.  They did not leave me alone for a free thought for more than a second, as they were always on my mind.  It seemed they were  controlling my every movement, forcing me to reach for a smoke, not realizing what I was doing until I was putting my cigarette out.  They are sly and they are sneaky, but above all else…they are powerful!  Cigarettes can put Lord Voldemort to shame!

Obviously, I had lost all control over myself and my life.  I knew it was going to be exhausting, but it was time for me to take  control of the situation.  Being a control freak, I  usually enjoy this,  but I knew this was going to be extremely daunting. 

At this point, we are up to about mid August, 2007 already. The war had been going on for about 5 or 6 months, and the cigarettes were beating my ass!    I kicked the fight up into high gear.  I understood the motives of “my friend”, it was going to be a fight for my life. 

For the next 2 and half months or so, I would purposely “forget” my cigarettes, or I would purposely make myself sick by smoking too many cigarettes, or smoking cigarettes that were stronger than I was used to.  I was still thinking about and practicing not smoking in certain situations.  I could feel myself getting closer to walking away and I could feel the anxiety creeping in.  Every time my cigarettes tried to take the power back, and control how and when I smoked, I’d push them away.

On Sunday, October 21, 2007 I realized that in order to give up my smokes, I was going to have to trick myself.  I would take over the roll of tricking.  I gave myself permission to smoke, but I thought of better things to do instead.  If I wanted a cigarette, I could have one if nothing else made me feel better.  It would be a battle of the wills, a competition against myself…and I was, I am, going to win.

end of old journal writing….

My cigarettes are still a manipulative, controlling, annoying friend that I allow to stay in my life.  This friend is slowly killing me….

I hope to figure out how to break this…. and I hope I can find the courage to share it here.  But I have to admit…. I’m a bit embarrassed for anyone to know that this beast is still in my life, and that I’m allowing it to do so.

Happy New Year

Happy Easter

Happy Hanukkah

Merry Christmas

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Valentines Day

Are these holidays really happy or merry?  Does adding happy or merry to the holiday make you feel happy or merry?  Or do you just feel happy and merry because you enjoy the significance of the holiday?

I’m thinking of putting this theory to the test.   I’ve been feeling really crappy lately.  So, I’m wondering if I blurt out “HAPPY CRAPPY DAY”  if that will make me feel happy about feeling crappy?  Who knows, maybe I’ll start a National holiday where everyone gets to stay home and feel happy about feeling crappy!  Hell, if I could have a stay home feelin’ crappy day, WITH PAY….That would make me pretty damn happy about feeling crappy!

Bah humbug!  YES, I’m being a scrooge….. but no matter how many times people blurt out MERRY CHRISTMAS or HAPPY HOLIDAYS, it doesn’t make me feel anymore merry or happy! (sorry, but you’d have to know what’s going on or be in the same place in order to understand this sentiment)

On another note, I noticed the Christians are trying to take over the phrase, Happy Holidays.  They’re now saying, “Jesus being born is a happy holiday”.  Give me a freakin’ break.  Let people have their non committal, politically correct phrase that covers everything and makes everyone but a scrooge happy, Damn it!

a holiday everyday

Folk singer Odetta, the “Voice of the Civil Rights Movement,”  died of heart disease in New York yesterday, December 2nd. She was 77. An influence to singers like Bob Dylan, Janis Joplin, Joan Baez and countless more, “The Queen of American folk music,” as Martin Luther King Jr. dubbed her, was responsible for some of the biggest folk albums of the ’50s and ’60s, including 1963’s Grammy-nominated Odetta Sings Folk Songs. “She was my heroine,” Joan Baez tells Rolling Stone. “Her voice has so much power in it. You wouldn’t say she had a beautiful voice, you’d say she had a massive voice, totally grounded and rooted in things to do with the earth.”

In 1965, she recorded an album of Bob Dylan covers titled Odetta Sings Dylan. “The first thing that turned me on to folk singing was Odetta,” Bob Dylan once said. “Right then and there, I went out and traded my electric guitar and amplifier for an acoustical guitar.” Over the course of her career, Odetta was nominated for three Grammys and was awarded the National Medal of the Arts in 1999. The Visionary Award from the Kennedy Center Honors came in 2004, followed by the Library of Congress’ Living Legend Award in 2005.

“Her voice could be a great and mighty roar or a sweet and delicate whisper that would not disturb the china,” counterculture legend Wavy Gravy says. “Or she could take out the whole china cabinet.” Despite failing health that confined her to a wheelchair in recent years, Odetta never stopped performing, with her last concert taking place October 4th at San Francisco’s Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival. Odetta reportedly also hoped to perform at Barack Obama’s inauguration in January. A memorial service is planned for next month.

from rollingstone magazine

The United States Presidential election is coming up in 2 weeks and 2 days. Last weekend I spent time with people, mostly women whom I pretty sure are McCain/Palin supporters. These people are great people. They love their families, are funny, and fun to hang out with. A few of the people who are supporting the Obama/Biden ticket stated a few reasons why they supported the democratic ticket. But the McCain/Palin supporters remained tight lipped. Which I found odd because they were the majority. Maybe they buy into the myth that all supporters of the democratic ticket are crazed liberals who attack all of those who oppose them. (I have seen some of those crazed liberals before….scary, scary, scary)

I’ve written many post here asking people for explanations about why they are supporting the McCain/Palin ticket, but not one single person responded. Oh, many of you came by for a visit, but no one was willing to share. So, I’m left to make my own conclusions.

It seems to me, at least down here in the south that there are 3 main reasons to support McCain/Palin.

1. I’m keeping my gun damn it, and no one is taking it away from me. IT IS MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO DEFEND MYSELF!!!!

2. Abortion is a sin, period.

3. The republicans will help me keep my money and help me get more of it.

I think those are the most popular reasons. But I have heard from quite a few people who only shared with me because I’m white, that they were not voting for a black person, ever (this has been changed from what exactly was said because it is way too offensive to even this non black girl to repeat it)  And a few people actually believe that Obama is a terrorist. Give me a fucking break! If Obama is a terrorist, I’m a beauty queen!!!

Okay, Barack Obama on gun control.  He supports the 2nd amendment. He doesn’t want to see any law abiding citizen lose their right to bear arms.  I do believe though, that he strongly feels that it should be as hard or even more difficult to acquire a gun than a driver’s license.  That ain’t such a bad thing, at all!!!

Barack Obama on abortion.    There really isn’t much else to say about this.  It’s a pretty clear cut issue.  For or against.  But for those of you who are against abortion, you must know that those of us who support Roe vs. Wade are not anti life, we are pro choice.  Most people who support free choice wouldn’t personally choose to have an abortion,  but they understand that their personal beliefs should not be placed on someone else.  It’s America people!

About the whole money issue.  I am not economic savvy, in the least.  But it is my opinion that the only reason a republican would help you get or keep money would be if you’re a millionaire already.  My life has been better, financially when there has been a democrat in office.   I have to say though, how many of you have made more money or held on to more money over the last 8 years?  I’d dare to say, not many of you, certainly not me.  McCain has voted with Bush over 90% of the time.  Why do you think he’d suddenly change his opinion NOW? 

This is the conclusion of the rantings of a middle-aged white southern girl (woman).  This is where I honestly think the minds of the McCain/Palin supporters are.  I would bring up Palin separately, but she scares me too much.  It scares me to think that A LOT of women are supporting this ticket only because there is a woman on the ticket.  That is not being a free thinker, or a feminist.  The National Organization for Women have given their support for Obama.  They usually don’t endorse anyone, but this time they felt they must take a stand.  Below is the link to the NOW article and the letter they attached with their endorcement. So, basically this is the end of this long rambling.  Thanks for making it this far….and by all means….whether you agree or disagree…. feel free to share, this is a judgement free zone!!!! 

National Organization for Women PAC Endorses Obama-Biden

 

Friends,

We are writing to you because of the fury and dread we have felt since the announcement of Sarah Palin as the Vice-Presidential candidate for the Republican Party. We believe that this terrible decision has surpassed mere partisanship, and that it is a dangerous farce on the part of a pandering and rudderless Presidential candidate that has a real possibility of becoming fact.

Perhaps like us, as American women, you share the fear of what Ms. Palin and her professed beliefs and proven record could lead to for ourselves and for our present or future daughters. To date, she is against sex education, birth control, the pro-choice platform, environmental protection, alternative energy development, freedom of speech, gun control, the separation of church and state, and polar bears.

To say nothing of her complete lack of real preparation to become the second (and possibly first) most powerful person on the planet.

We want to clarify that we are not against Sarah Palin as a woman, a
mother, or, for that matter, a parent of a pregnant teenager, but solely
as a rash, incompetent, and altogether devastating choice for Vice
President. Ms. Palin’s political views are in every way a slap in the face to the accomplishments that our mothers and grandmothers and great-grandmothers so fiercely fought for, and from which we’ve so demonstrably benefited.

First and foremost, Ms. Palin does not represent us. She does not
demonstrate or uphold our interests as American women. It is presumed that the inclusion of a woman on the Republican ticket could win over women voters. We want to disagree, publicly.

because I’m here
in disguise
her whole life
is nuts.
she can’t quite grasp
how I take over
when you come near,
just like any other.
I’ve spent a lifetime
convincing her I’m real,
now she knows
and so do those
who let me in.

coming

Posted: October 5, 2008 in All, Blogroll, Life, Love, MY POEMS, sex, women

Everytime she walks through the door
she leaves
with weak knees,
knowing she’ll come once more